There's No Such Thing As A Free Lunch

"There's no such thing as a free lunch." "Ya can't get something for nothing." "If it's too good to be true it probably is."

How many times have you heard one of those little ditties over your life time? Things like Murphy's Law and The Peter Principle. If they weren't true, no one would have ever coined the phrases, right? I've been here for over 56 years and I've learned, sometimes the hard way, that they are so, SO true. This was demonstrated to me tonight and I thought maybe I'd bore a few of you and tell you about it.

We're at the old homestead tonight watching the Phillies game on TV when Mrs. Mountain decides she'd like to partake of that wondrous summertime pleasure known as a Rita's Water Ice. By virtue of the fact that the aforementioned Mrs. has already changed out of her clothes into her robe and night wear you know who is detailed to venture forth and acquire said frozen delight. No problem, run down and jump in the F-150 and head up Academy Rd. Just a few blocks up the street my attention is drawn (as would be the attention of any red blooded heterosexual male) to the sight of a young, blonde haired woman. For purposes of full disclosure I will specify that my actual attention was focused on the pair of skin tight, leave very little to the imagination, eensy teeny weeny short shorts in a nearly neon shade of aqua, that this young woman was sporting, along with an abbreviated tank top as she and another woman (who I paid barely passing notice of due to her, ahem, rather large size and the baggy over sized clothing in which she was attired) walked up the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street. Thank the Great Spirit for the illumination afforded by street lights!

Now the entire observation from start to finish probably lasted less than maybe 5 seconds before I prudently redirected my attention to the traffic on the highway and soon arrived at the shopping center. Remembering I had forgotten to pick a few items up on an earlier trip to the store today, I ran into the Acme supermarket, grabbed the things I needed and then proceeded to the opposite end of the center to the Rita's store. I exited my truck, approached the crowd waiting for their turn in line and was immediately treated (YES, there IS a God!!!) to the sight of the same young woman, aqua shorts and all, standing right in front of me in the line no more than FIVE FEET in front of me, fully illuminated in the mercury vapor lamps that are a true gift from the heavens!

If I thought she looked good in partial light, from a moving vehicle, at least 200 feet away, imagine how good she looked standing right smack dab in front of me. I would guess she was most likely between 18 and maybe 21-22 years of age, tops. She had long, blonde hair pulled into a pony tail, already had the start of a great sun tan and was such a natural beauty of a young lady that she needed little or no make up to complement her gorgeous facial features and she had a pair of legs a lot of women would kill for, rock hard abs...oh what's the point? The more I go on the more you'll be convinced I'm some kind of rain coat wearing pervert, but come on folks, cut me some slack. We should all be free to appreciate the finer things in life and as attractive young women go, this one was "all that and a bag of chips." I stood behind her in the line, trying NOT to be blatantly obvious while I stared at that most perfect combination of legs and butt in those shorts and, as "luck" would have it they would be the next customers served before me at the window.

So what's this got to do with the whole free lunch thing? You may recall that I mentioned the hotty in the aqua shorts was in the company of another female. During the time spent in line I surmised that the other woman was most likely the blonde's mother, based on snippets of over heard conversation. A comparison of physical appearance, however, would NEVER give rise to a reasonable and prudent man's belief that there could possibly be any shared genes between the two. Where the young one was lithe and trim the other was probably 4 times her weight. Mom had curly ( a really bad, passed its expiration date perm) dark hair with a lot of gray. You may have heard of "getting smacked with the ugly stick?" Well, friends, this poor woman fell out of the ugly TREE and hit every branch on the way down! OK, William, knock it off! Appearances mean nothing, right? Beauty is only skin deep (but ugly goes all the way to the bone) STOP IT!!
OK, OK. If she was just fat and ugly it would be no problem, I'd just focus on the young good looking one. (Did I mention the skin tight, fabric so far up the crack of her butt that.....OK, never mind)
But, NOOOOOO...it wasn't going to work that way.

Once the pair got to the window "Mom", after standing in line for nearly 10 minutes, then thought it was NOW time to BEGIN to decide what she wanted. Apparently no thought was given to the subject during the previous wait. Now, she starts questioning blondie..."well what should I get, what do YOU think is good, what is that, what is this, what are those things over there, how do they make that, should I get ice cream or custard, water ice or yogurt, should I get a gelati, a "Misto", a shake, I just don't know what do you think?....and after a couple of minutes of all that, she then starts peppering the young woman behind the counter with all of the same questions and more and then has the server begin listing what seemed to be the contents of the entire store and demanded a recitation of the ENTIRE friggin' Rita's product line before, FINALLY, HALLELEUAH PRAISE THE LORD she made up her damned mind!

Had it not been for the fact that my attention had been diverted, uhhh, else where during this time I may have been a bit more aggravated, but hey, the scenery was good and I could hear the ball game on the radio, so no harm done. The Rita's girl is preparing and creating the wondrous treats that emanate from Rita's and the mixtures are presented to the customers and the amount due, a whopping Seven dollars and Sixty Three cents is announced and Mom reaches into her pocket, extracts a mixture of paper currency, a tissue or two, some coins, a pill of some sort and some pocket lint, leafs through all of this and presents to the waiting young woman behind the counter- A. Fucking. Credit. Card.
For a seven dollar, sixty three cent tab.
The girl takes the card, retreats to the nether regions of the store and comes back to announce: "Your card has been declined." For less than 8 bucks. Declined. For real? Seriously?
Does Mom produce the cash? Did you REALLY think it would be this easy? No. Mom comes up with yet another card and while presenting same announces, "I don't know if this one will go through but I'll hold my breath."
Again, the process is undertaken. Success! The card went through for the 7 bucks and change!
Now all she has to do is shift her frozen Rita's treat from her possession to blondie's so she can sign the 8 dollar credit slip and finally be on her way, granting me unfettered passage to the service window where I placed my order, with one final glance at blondie's PERFECT ass as she walked away.

For a few minutes after returning to my truck and heading back home with our Rita's treats I realized that for a few seconds of having the pleasure of admiring this young woman's physical attributes I paid a ridiculously high price in suffering through that obnoxious cow's disregard for the people standing in line behind her, and as much as I hate to admit it, NO couple minutes of ogling her ass was worth the torture endured by looking at, listening to, and standing behind this behemoth.

Of course ladies, you know, when I got home and related this little tale to Mrs. Mountain the first thing she said was, "that's what you get for being a pervert and staring at young girl's asses...serves you right, moron."

You can't get something for nothing, friends. There's no such thing as a free lunch!

If you got this far, I appreciate it. Thank you for reading.
That's the View From The Mountain.
I'll see ya next time!!