Driving School

Most people, when pressed, will be pretty honest when the discussion comes around to the things they do or don't do well. People will admit to being poor house keepers, poor dressers, having bad taste in entertainment, bad taste in picking mates and even being bad parents. No one will admit to being a bad driver. No one. Time after time in surveys and questionnaires sponsored by insurance companies and police departments and AAA auto clubs, respondents will all claim to be possessed of much higher than average driving skills. They pronounce themselves to be courteous, safe, considerate and well versed in the "rules of the road". To this I offer a hearty and resounding, "bullshit"!

I'm here to tell you that even though you, dear reader, may indeed be in the ridiculously small percentage of the motoring public who are safe and courteous drivers, the fact is the vast majority of you just plain suck. Who the hell am I to making these assumptions? I think I have a historical perspective to back up my claims:

I was a police officer for well over 20 years, having spent the bulk of my time on uniformed road patrol. I saw it every single day, when I observed the violations and investigated the accidents. Accidents happen when people mess up! I've observed people do things so horribly stupid and dangerous in FULL VIEW OF A MARKED POLICE CAR that I almost couldn't trust my own eyes. Upon retiring from the police department I embarked on a second career of sorts. I drove trucks. Big trucks. Dump trucks and tractor trailers. I've run local, regional and over the road operations. In the years since I left the police department I managed to accumulate well over 400 thousand miles of VERIFIABLE accident and violation free miles. I ran around and into the five boroughs of New York City. I've driven tractors pulling trailers into places they were never intended to go and then had to back them into places that they should not have been able to fit in to. I've run the Cross Bronx Expressway, the BQE, the I-285 "race track" around Atlanta, I-495 around Boston , the beltways of Baltimore and DC and across most of the interstate highways in the eastern portion of the country. I've run local roads and been in traffic for 8 or 10 hours a day. Accident and violation free. I've also ridden a motorcycle for my entire adult life and have so far managed to survive literally hundreds of attempts on my life by people driving cars with their heads up their ass. In addition I have traditionally eschewed commercial air travel in favor of driving and have made at least 30 trips in a car or pick up truck in excess of 2500 miles. I know what I've seen, I know what I know and what I know is that you people can't drive worth a shit.

You might think I'm talking about the occasional idiot you see blistering through traffic, cutting lanes and running 30 to 40 miles an hour over the speed limit. That guy's bad enough but he or she isn't the one I'm talking about. He knows he's being a dick and is simply tempting fate. I'm talking about the dumb ass stupid shit that most of you do ever single solitary time you get in the car. I guess my most recent trip down to Columbus, GA. is the impetus for this rant. I saw enough stupidity in 14 hours of driving to convince me that the situation is hopeless. I'm a big believer in cruise control. I prefer to drive using it. Its nearly impossible to do, however. I'll have the cruise set, running the right side lane (more on THAT in a bit) and a car will pass me and pull in front into the lane I'm running; and then slow down, requiring that I pass him. Within 3 miles the SAME car will come hammering past me and we'll do this time and time and time again and I will never have deactivated the cruise. I've been running the exact same speed and yet this guy passes me and gets passed again.

On ramps. Oh. My. God. Do any of you have any notion what so ever what the word "merge" means? I don't think so. Not based on what I see time after time. Merge, for the purposes of our discussion means observing the traffic on the highway you wish to enter and by either ACCELERATING or NOT you gauge your speed against the speed of the other vehicles and either pull ahead or pull in behind the others. It does NOT mean drive to the end of the ramp and stop and then sit there looking stupid. It certainly does not mean reaching a certain speed at which you're all warm and fuzzy and then maintaining it so that you end up running out of on ramp while constantly trying to get the guy who's right along side of you to get out of your way and driving on the berm and it absofuckinglutely does not mean that the vehicles currently driving on the road you intend to enter have to stop or slow down to let you on! Merge. Yield. These terms mean something. You should have been taught their meaning in driver ed. Obviously you weren't. Or, most likely your mommy, daddy or big brother who taught you to drive did not know what the words meant so you never learned.

OK, here's a scenario: You're out driving along at 70 miles an hour, putting on your makeup, chatting with your bff (or even worse, texting) and adjusting the radio. You're in the left lane (we're getting to that) and you see a big orange sign that says, "RIGHT LANE CLOSED 2 MILES". What do you do?
A-continue all of the above as if the sign is not there
B-continue all of the above as is the sign is not there
C-continue all of the above as if the sign is not there AND light a joint
D-move into the right lane
You'll say the answer is "D" and of course you're right.....but you WON'T DO IT!!!!
Of course the answer is D. You know what the correct thing to do is but you'll just keep running down the left hand lane. You'll pass several more advisory signs right up until you run up the ass of all the other idiots who are still in the left lane and are actively trying to get ahead of as many other cars who have moved into the right lane and now there's a big traffic jam of people trying to jam their way over and no one is going anywhere. The sad part is the fact that had you just moved over when you saw the first sign there would be no traffic jam. You and the other morons who have a pathological need to get in front of one more car CAUSED the jam. YOU caused it. Are you really that stupid?

Last but not least. The posted speed limit is 65 mph. Its a 2 or 3 lane interstate highway. Why in the name of General (now Government) Motors are you in the far left lane doing 60? Why are you so intent on the cell phone conversation you're in the middle of that you cannot see in your rear view mirror (that thing you use to check your hair or makeup) a line of 10 to 20 cars lined up nose to tail behind you, blowing horns and flashing head lights? Ok. You're doing the speed limit. 65 mph right on the nose. No one should be going any faster, right? If you're obeying the law you're gonna damn straight make sure every one else does too, right? Here's a news flash. Some of us want to go faster than the posted limit, even if its only by 2 0r 3 mph. Who made you the sheriff? PULL OVER MORON!! I wish it was this attitude that causes the back ups but its actually a combination of inattentiveness and just plain ignorance of the so called rules of the road. The signs are out there people: "KEEP RIGHT/PASS LEFT". You don't have to know the rules we'll post them for you and yet you still either can't or you just plumb refuse to go along with the program.I know for a fact that some people are just happier in the left lane. I wish I knew why. I've come up behind someone and after managing to get his or her attention and get them to actually move over to allow me to pass them they immediately pull right back into the left lane and continue to cause problems for other vehicles coming up behind them.

Lastly. You're at a stop sign and traffic is passing in both directions in front of you and need to cross the roadway. You're at an intersection and need to make a left turn across the path of approaching traffic. You're waiting to exit the shopping center parking lot on to the highway into traffic.
What is the guiding principle that determines when you should make the movement into or across the traffic? We all know the correct answer is, "when its safe". If only that were true. Stop and think about it honestly for a minute. Really be honest with yourself. You know that more often than not the question you ask is not "is it safe?" What you're asking instead is, "CAN I MAKE IT?"
There's a big difference there if you think about it, really think about it. The life you save may be yours. Or some guy's on a motorcycle. Like me. Think about, it please?